A few tips on what NOT to say on a first date...and the parallel between good bartending skills and good date banter.

 

There's a certain dry crass humor that exists in the bar business, and usually there is where it remains. Most bartenders save that humor for their coworkers and customers, and wouldn't normally implore this dry wit upon their day-to-day relationships outside of the bar. A good bartender is quick witted, good at conversing with a wide variety of people, and can adapt to any given situation whether it be running out of inventory, a drunk slob scaring away all the big spenders, or a broken glass. 

 

Just as a halfway decent bartender knows not to greet a scrubbed clean, suited and booted elderly couple with "Hey what's up?," and knows to shelve the bar humor, a normal human being should know what topics for discussion to shelve for a later date, or throw away all together. 

 

As a woman, and gently put-a "strong personality," on a first date I'm just not interested in mommy issues, family issues, money issues, ex-girlfriends-or worse-ex-wives. I want to meet my match, also a strong personality and not a boring whiner. On a larger note-and advice an older adult once gave me-a person so willing to divulge so much so soon only puts fourth the impression that nothing is sacred. And though not much is sacred these days, I am still a believer in leaving a bit up to the imagination and keeping my dirty laundry in the basket where it belongs. 

 

I once dated someone, (more than once unbelievably) who on our first official evening out told me he had once been engaged. It didn't really phase me because not much does. I let the awkward silence pass and ordered another vodka and tonic, or whatever my drink of choice was at the time. What should've been an "I was engaged....ended badly...done...over...done-so how about this weather we've been having? and/or fill in the awkward gap with something obscure and stupid, turned into an hour long monologue of the breakup that had happened two years prior. I learned the ex's endless list of flaws, women's flaws in general and why we suck as people. I got into a bit of a debate with my date about that however, and although I do think women can be catty shrews at times, I took offense at his using his breakup as an excuse to say all women suck. The greatest offense of all however, was the hour wasted on the shrew in question during his time with me! Weirder still was the love/hate relationship he so openly seemed to have with her memory. One moment Shrew in Question was in fact a catty malicious shrew, the next she was a sweet silly girl, too young to wear the shoes she'd have worn as the wife of my date. And-why do I know any of this? Not because I asked. Things got too personal, too fast, and not in a good way. 

 

Shrew in question didn't make her exit with the closing of my date's monologue. My date found ways to bring up his ex throughout the rest of the evening, and on future dates-and yes I stupidly pursued a situation with this one. I actually liked this guy, because in spite of all of his ex-ranting he was actually good at having a conversation and even better at telling a story-unfortunately a story I didn't want to hear. 

 

Lesson Learned? As a bartender I know when to cut off a drunk customer from alcohol. When the guy at the bar is a sloppy mess and can't stand up, or worse, is scaring away my spenders, and his last dollar is spent, I say "okay it's time to go." As a single chick, but more importantly a human being, of a greater value than dollars in the tip jar and numbers on a sales report, the cutoff point has to be far sooner. A very good friend recently told me that time spent with the wrong person is time taken away from finding the right person. Chances are the guy burning your ear off half the night about his ex, is probably not the right person.